An Open Letter to Jack Tame from the City of Hamilton 

Dear Jack Tame,

It is our understanding that you will be gracing our fair city with your presence on Friday 9th June. 

It was supposed to be a secret, but people sometimes tell us things *shrug*/*wink*.

Listen, Hamilton knows how it feels to be you. We see you every morning sitting next to Hillary Barry, hoping for some of that reflected Hillary Barry glory and we know you’re thinking “I know I’m cuter than her and I definitely have better hair so why doesn’t New Zealand notice me?!’

It’s a little like how we feel sitting next door to Auckland day after day, hoping someone will notice us. We may be young but we’re pretty great too, just like you. So, we definitely feel you, Jack Tame. You’re the Hamilton to Hillary’s Auckland. Except Hillary didn’t cause a housing crisis. Or a transport crisis. To be honest, she’s quite lovely. But you see where we’re going with this.

Jack Tame: the Hamilton to Hillary Barry’s Auckland

We think we can help you, Jack Tame. Or we can help each other, rather. We think your little trip to Hamilton is your chance to become really famous. More famous than Hillary. Think about it -Hamilton has 190,000 people and you’ll be here without Hillary* to be the big star and steal your thunder.

That’s a potential 190, 000 new people to join the Jack Tame Fanclub. You know we’re making sense.

Now we know it’s not possible for you to meet them all in one day. God knows the candidates in last year’s local body elections tried. But this is where we think we can help. You see, Hamilton has its own set of celebrities that are more world-famous-in-Hamilton than Hillary Barry is. You get them on side, you get Hamilton onside.

You’ve got to listen close though, and follow our instructions to a tee.

This top-secret high-profile event you’ll be at tomorrow (the one Steve Braunias says we can’t talk about) -some of Hamilton’s most famous celebrities will be there. They go by the name of the #HamiltonMafia and your challenge is to get in with them.

How do you get in with them? Selfies, obviously.

You need to go up to each of the people named below and say the following line:

“Hi I’m Jack Tame and I’m a huge fan. Can I have a selfie with you please”

After which you must proceed to post the selfie on Twitter with the hashtag #lovethetron. 

The Hamilton celebrities you need to find are:

  • @BrianSquair
  • @Angela Cuming
  • @hornykitten
  • @cateprestidge
  • @JessMolina
  • @webtaniwha
  • @nzvic
  • @chamfy
  • @iain_white
  • @WGDurning
  • @garyfarrow
  • @Ceriphinz
  • @dynamicmediaNZL

We promise a selfie with them is what it takes to get you to the next level, Jack Tame.

Don’t believe us? Fair enough. We know that the reality is that you might not want to be a bigger star than Hillary Barry. It’s nice to be the smaller fish. But still, it’d be great if you could help a brother out and show Auckland/the internet that you #lovethetron. We Hamiltons should stick together, after all.

xoxo lovethetron 

*we don’t actually know if Hillary is on the guest list. 

 

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