For me, 2012 wasn’t just worth celebrating as the year Roland Emmerich and his merry band of Mayans were proven wrong, but the year I saw how sexy Hamilton was. Forget the much-mocked ‘Hamilton: Where’s happening’ slogan from years ago, Hamilton is just plain hot. And I’m not just saying that just because we’re all sweating profusely in this summer heat, but because she has all the qualities of an incredibly beautiful woman. In fact, who needs to copulate with an actual person when the city offers more than the best of lovers could ever hope to?
For one, Hamilton is gorgeous. She’s like the beautiful woman who walks into a bar and gets a ‘She’s alright’ comment muttered about her by the faux-macho Aucklander pretending not to have been bowled over by her entrance. And, like all gorgeous women Hamilton is a constant source of derision to those either not able to have her, or to be her.
Just take a look outside. Go on, do it(well if you’re currently in Hamilton that is). Whether you’re in randy Rototuna or funky Frankton, chances are you’re in a place that is, at the very least, beautifully green and clean. And this is most demonstrably the case in the CBD, where you can soak in the calm of Garden place, or the history hidden in Hamilton’s multiple heritage buildings. If you’re really lucky you might even be by the river, taking a leisurely stroll and enjoying the sight of rowers engaged in a less-than-leisurely bout of rowing.
Even Hamilton’s malls are beautiful. I mean how the hell does a mall get beautiful? The first time we all walked into Te Awa were told to put our sunglasses on in case we were overwhelmed. Eventually they had to dim the windows so its beauty wouldn’t overwhelm us completely. The mall itself has an incredible amount of meaning in both its design and construction(hint: If you’re still hunting for the meaning, just do a translation of the term ‘Te Awa’). You rarely see that sort of beauty in any mall anywhere, let alone in New Zealand.
But Hamilton is not just some aloof beauty who thinks she’s too good for everyone else. Hamilton is funny. How else do you explain the fact that she has a nice sensible statue of a family and its cow, down one end of Victoria Street, and a bisexual alien down the other(guess which one is more popular)?
Her sense of humour is smart, and that’s because it hides a keen intellect. While the rest of New Zealand demands McDonalds and other associated transfat charities to soak up its alcohol, one of Hamilton’s most popular and prominent late-night venues on its main nightclub strip(located between a strip club and a karaoke bar), is a secondhand bookstore. Not just any secondhand bookstore either, but one with an amazing array of intelligent material and antique books. But even if you dismiss the bookstore as a one-off, you only have to wander over to Ruakura and University precinct, or sample the wide variety of pop-up art galleries, theatrical performances, and permanent galleries. All needed, to adequately feed the voracious intellectual appetite of a city with New Zealand’s highest number of phDs per capita.
Of course, as well as being beautiful, funny, and smart, she also possesses the most important quality of all: she’s fun. Hamilton is no cold fish. One only needs to take a walk down its main strip to see this. Town debauchery is something of Hamiltonian tradition, extending to the old and young alike. Let New Zealand’s more pretentious and ‘elite’ cities keep their decorum and fast food chains(how the two are mutually compatible will always remain a mystery to me). Hamilton’s clubbing scene is egalitarian, with the only mandatory requirement being that everybody have fun.
You might think me guilty of focusing on the CBD, and that’s probably a fair criticism, but it’s worth noting one of Hamilton’s most unique qualities is the treasures of its suburbs. Hamilton’s long legs hold many surprises, whether you’re talking about those stretching to Te Rapa or Hillcrest. Almost every suburb has its own unique beauty, on display during the day or at night. The difference between Hamilton and other cities is that there’s very little duplication. The shopping experience of Te Awa is totally different to that of the CBD, as the quiet conversation of the local pub is to the dancing of the central city. They all need the other to exist, and the prospects of each are brightened by the success of the other. That’s the true beauty of Hamilton, she’s the whole package, with her most beautiful bits being hidden in the strangest of places. That’s one of the many reasons why I think Hamiltonians, whether they be living in Hamilton or not, should stop worrying what everybody else thinks and start loving the Tron.
@hornykitten is a pornstar-turned-economist, an ex-Hamiltonian living overseas, and kind of a big deal on Twitter.
Check out @hornykitten’s blog at http://randomdribble.wordpress.com/